A glove in your pants..what all the pros do.

You can take the girl out of the emergency room (A&E, Dept d’Urgences, subsitute local term here) but you can’t take the emergency room out of the girl.

It would probably be an understatement to say that I am keen on protection. But it seems that the inhabitants of El Tartar, Andorra have no interest, literally, in saving my ass.

I stumbled through the snow to every shop I could find but the story was always the same – extra large for men.

I wonder why?

Are slim men and women more concerned about saving the family jewels, thus buying up everything in sight?

Do shopkeepers figure that if they only order the biggest size available then everyone will fit into it?

Do only enormous men wear them? Do they have more to protect?

Whatever the reason, the end result was the same. A glove in my pants.

It worked surprisingly well.

Pink Ladies – is glitter for grown-ups?

Why, oh why is is impossible to find a grown-up looking women’s snowboard?  My apartment almost flooded with the tears of laughter that streamed down my friends’ faces when they saw the board I’d bought.

I’m a grown-up. I was sensible – I am also broke and a bit tight - but nevertheless I made my purchase according to how the board rides, how the boots fit and the deal that let me get the cheapest bindings. I ignored the design.

Now no-one can ignore me.  The base of my board is luminous in the snow – glowing from meters away. So far, so good, so safe. Let’s be friendly and help the mountain patrol out, eh?

Except. It’s bright pink. With hearts on. Turn it over and you’ll find sparkly glitter and more hearts. Hearts on the bindings. Even, heaven help us, hearts on the boots. Boots, I might add, that also come with a purple furry lining.

I look as though I’ve broken into Barbie’s boudoir.

But, honestly, what other choice did I have?

Bindings for Beginners

Five types. FIVE???! This sort of detail is designed to confuse a beginner. So I’ve boiled down my findings to the choice most rookies require: straps each time or flow.

Strap & High back

These are the standard bindings found on most hire boards. A high curve of plastic sits behind your heel and calf muscle and two straps cross your feet. You adjust the tightness of the straps every single time you fix your board to your feet. That means after every single chairlift.

Boarders I hang around with hate the effort and time delay of doing this. I am secretly glad of the chance to catch my breath and have a sit down. But maybe this will change as I get better…….

Flow in - these save time at the lift queues. Before heading out into the snow, adjust the big fabric tongue that rests over the top (dorsum) of your foot. This only needs to be done once. Then the back (plastic section that covers your heel) flips about to let you in and out quicker. Mid-way between straps & step-ins.

And for those who wish to know more….

Step-ins – these embrace a ‘no-interruption’ fancy idea but you need stiffer boots to fit them and also lose some control. Losing ANY control at the beginner stage seems unnecessarily painful to me…

Plate binding – these sound mean and look it. They match hard boots, for alpine boarding.

Baseless - thus far, these seem to fall into the ‘nice idea’ category but have yet to achieve a high level of success. Apparently half-pipe riders prefer them, another reason that makes me think beginners should hold back…for now at least.

11 Reasons why I love my helmet….

1) It keeps my ears toasty warm

2) It keeps my hair out of my face as I’m flying downhill

3) It gives me a good excuse for having bad hair

4) It gives me a  good excuse for having ‘not heard’ something

5) It doubles up as a basket for gloves, sunglasses and wrist guards at the end of the day while my numb fingers fumble with my keys

6) I can pretend I’m a formula 1 driver when I put it on

7) And that I’m a hollywood star when I take it off – with accompanying sideways hair flick

I can hang it upside down from the hook in the toilets and use it to protect my gloves, wallet etc from falling onto the manky, damp floor while I wrestle with salopette braces and impact shorts

9) It protects me from annoying people on chair lifts who slam the barrier down too fast

10) It’s probably my cheapest piece of equipment!

11) It may save my life………..a few key papers below:

JAMA – Norwegian Study

Injury Prevention – Vancouver Study

BMJ – Quebec Study

The short version seems to be – helmets work.

The Pain

I don’t know which was worse on Sunday. The damage to my body or the damage to my ego.

Two days later and I still think I have whiplash, with maybe a tinge of concussion. Apparently my husband says he warned me that this would happen. That even good boarders fall – and that it hurts, a lot.

I don’t remember him saying this. And I dont’ even know whether or not I believe it. What I do remember, however, is the scores of people saying that all it takes is three days to become a boarder. ‘It’s not like ski-ing,’ the melody of voices in my head choruses. ‘Ski-ing takes at least a week, if not longer to learn. But boarding,’ I feel the heat of shame. ‘Three days and you’re done.’

While I suppose that, technically, I haven’t done three days in a row, I’m sure if you added up my snatched time on the slope, even allowing for cloud cover, lift queues, rental problems and waiting for friends, that I’ve easily passed that by now.

And yet Sunday felt like my worst day yet.

I don’t want to be beaten. But I’d also prefer to start the day without reaching for painkillers.

These boots are made for walking..

Well it feels like it, compared to ski boots. 

Despite the pain and indignity of slamming face first into the snow, beginner boarders can take comfort in the joy of walking to the restaurant, the bar or straight back home in comfy shoes.

Perhaps that’s why boarders have such a cool reputation. They just wash and go. Free-spirited, travelling light kind of folks. Whereas skiers on foot look ready to head down the mines and perform enforced labour.

Yet, the newbie must overcome a few obstacles in order to reach snowboarding foot nirvana.

1) Lots of types of boots. Forget about hard and hybrid (for now); stick to soft.

2) Fit. Most soft boots consist of an inner boot (bladder) and an outer one. Loosen all the ties to get your foot in (but don’t take the inner one out). Tighten the inner bladder first so that it is snug to your skin. Then tighten the outer one. The level of tension you are looking for is about the same as a pair of trainers just before you head out for a run – namely, firm and secure but not cutting off your bloody supply.

When you stand up straight, your toes should just touch the end of the boot; when you bend your knees they should pull away and feel free.

3) Fitting it all together. Tuck the ends of the laces (or mechanical device) into the top of the boot to prevent them falling out and causing problems later on. Don’t push them too far inside, however, or you will feel pain as they press on your ankle.

Check that the bindings on your board are the right size for your boot (that you can tighten them to hold the boot in place.)

I have my own tale of woe from my second day on a board where I blindly trusted the rental company and didn’t do this step. A long, cold journey that alternated between tedium and pure terror awaited me as I tried to get down the mountain with a board that only attached to one of my feet.

4) Other pitfalls: tips & tricks.

Socks - buy some designed for the sport. Compared to regular socks they seem expensive, but compared to the cost of the ski pass, the equipment and so on they are cheap. Try them. You’ll never turn back.

Wearing several layers of socks, or super thick ones, doesn’t help. Who knows where this urban legend got started but let’s get it stopped.

And, er, wear the socks you plan to wear on the slopes when trying on your boots.

Heel Lift - as you put your weight on your toes, your boot (and hence board) should rise up with your heel. If your heel rises inside the boot, then nothing much will happen with the board. This is a bad thing.

Avoid it by practising your moves in the shop and getting the best fit; different brands have different contours and since we all have different shaped feet don’t be afraid to try several. Insoles can sometimes help with this; if you’re still having trouble then find a reputable and informed salesperson and ask for help.

Sweat & Swelling - feet can swell by up to half a size after intense activity, so ideally try on boots at the end of a long day.

Buying - this probably needs even more care and attention. Boots will compress over a season so opt for some which are slightly tight to begin with. Note, slightly tight, not painful.

If you are only planning on buying one piece of equipment, then veteran boarders recommend spending your money on boots first and hiring a board and bindings. If you’re buying the whole shebang then buy the boots first and fit the board and bindings to your foot; don’t try to do it the other way around.

Colour & Style - the very last thing you should think about!

CARTOON HEAVEN

Is it the same as hands-on instruction? No. Is it the next best thing? I think so.

Words become very confusing in sports where you travel sideways.

Does forwards mean straight down the hill or moving sideways across the slope? Does backward mean jumping on your board or side-slipping on your toes? But if side-slipping means moving downhill and not to the side of the slope then……?!*&”

Many of the problems of word-based instructions on the web (and from some instructors ) disappear with the ingenious use of cartoons. Try it…

http://www.abc-of-snowboarding.com/learn-snowboarding/linking-turns.asp

Another excuse bites the dust!

Can your pants protect you?

Apparently, yes.

You never know what to say when a man offers to show you his underwear and swears that they make for a better ride.

When they turn out to be tight lycra shorts with a thin plastic strip at the front it’s time to make a run for it. Surely, you can take protecting the family jewels too far.

Alas, it’s another basic error. Apparently the plastic strip goes at the back.

I need to find out about these – it turns out my natural padding doesn’t work as well as I’d hoped.

Board & Boots: Step One?

Step One – hire equipment. Snowboard. Boots. Some device to attach the two together.

OK, so I knew I was cutting a few corners. I probably should have been exercising for weeks (months?) in preparation for this. Checking out protective gear would have been another good move; feeling smug by wearing someone else’s wrist guards didn’t turn out to be enough.

But in my innocence, I put my blind trust in the staff at the hire shop. Result? Sat at the top of the mountain in a snowstorm with bindings that only just kept my left foot in and that laughed through an inch of thin air at my right foot. Half a day’s time on the slope wasted trying to get down, with both muscles and confidence shredded.

Sometimes you make mistakes so basic that it seems only fair that the world punishes you.

Still, in the time I had to think about it, I devised the following very basic checklist for anyone starting out. Hopefully, like my technique, it will improve in time.

1) Check the board is the right size (about level with your chin seems to be a good rough guide)

2) Do your boots up in the shop as you would just before you board. (If you’re totally new - you’re likely to have an inner boot to tighten first, then an outer one. They tie up a little like trainers.)

3) Check that the bindings are set up the way you want (left or right foot forward or both feet balanced.)

4) Check that the bindings actually hold the boot onto the board (!)

5) Check that you know how to tighten and release them.

6) Check that the stomp pad is in good condition (when you’re learning, why not have all the help available?)

7) Check that there are no huge scratches or dents in the board.

Check that you know the emergency services for the area you’re in.